"Bras On 45" Ivor Biggun & The D-Kups (Dead Badger, 1981)

Listen here

In 1981, a Dutch group called Stars On 45 made a horrifying disco-fied medley of Beatles songs that actually was a worldwide smash hit in June of that year (don't laugh, it actually went to #1 in the US.)

This is still the longest song title ever for a 45 RPM single at 41 words....

Bear in mind, these weren't the original Beatles recordings stringed together (EMI would NEVER have allowed that), but the Stars On 45s were pretty good imitators (or at least significantly better than anything you hear at the karaoke bar down the street) and they did fool quite a few people.

The success of Stars On 45 made them ripe for parody, which UK TV personality Ivor Biggun   did with "Bras on 45". Ivor Biggun's parody on reached #50 in the UK and never charted in the US, but it was widely played on The Dr. Demento Show.

"The Kwella Stroll" Lou Berrington & The African Kamp (Parkway,1966)

 

This song, "The Kwella Stroll" is the HILARIOUS B-Side of a tune called "The Kwella" (Which was actually a fad dance in 1966)

Just play this. All the way through... 

"Bay-Hay Bee Doll" The Swingers (JCPenney/RCA Custom, 1966)

A. "Bay-Hay Bee Doll" The Swingers

B. "Bay-Hay Bee Doll (Instrumental)" The Swingers (Links: WFMU's Beware Of The Blog )

Play this record at your own risk. Because once it gets inside your head, you can't get it out.

And in a surprisingly good way. The bass and drum playing are insanely catchy, if the lyrics and vocals are simply awful - even for an early bubblegum rock prototype, as this song seems to be.

This 45 was a complimentary extra with the purchase of it's latest colour-coordinated, polyester/cotton blend sportswear line, The Swingers. However I read on WFMU's page on this record that it was an extra with a doll called Bay-Hay Bee Doll. But I've never seen any evidence of this doll (and I really hope such an evil thing does not exist.)

If The Swingers sound familiar, bear in mind there were literally dozens of bands in 1965/1966 called The Swingers, or some variation (The Swingle Singers, The Swingin' Blue Jeans, The Swingin' Medallions, et al.) I'm guessing "swinger" also didn't quite have the sexual connotations at that time that it would be infamous for throughout the '70s.

The song was written by someone named Warren Parker. However, the musician roster on this track as well as any session information have been lost to time (or more likely, never kept. As it was considered a commercial marketing one-off and not a legitimate band.)  

"Dear Mr. Jesus" Sharon Batts & PowerSource (1986)

Listen here.

Oh no, it's another one of those damn child singer records. But on a more serious subject.

PowerSource were a Texas based Christian pop group. Like many acts in this genre, they were/are largely unknown outside these circles. And "Dear Mr. Jesus" is unquestionably a Christian themed song about child abuse, sung from the perspective of a 6 year old girl writing a letter to Jesus after seeing a TV news report of "a little girl beaten black and blue". Not only that, she confesses at the the end "Please don't tell my daddy, but my mommy hits me too."

Six year old Sharon Batts, the lead vocal on this song, wasn't the designated lead singer of the group. Just on this particular song. And thankfully, she wasn't physically abused.

This song almost became a Top 40 hit in 1987. CHR, Adult Contemporary, Country and of course, Christian radio stations were playing this in December of 1987 shortly after the track was added to the playlist of New York City's influential Z-100 and the song broke. A distribution deal was quickly secured, leading to a nationwide re-release of the song.

It was also timely, as the story of a little New York City girl named Lisa Steinberg made national headlines then after she died after being beaten by her adoptive father while he was under the influence of crack cocaine.

The song made #61 on the Billboard Hot 100 and remained on the charts for seven weeks.

Epic Nu-Disks

In 1979, Epic Records introduced the Nu-Disk.

 

The Nu-Disk was a 10" inch extended play mini-album, or EP. It was made mostly as a promotional gimmick for mostly newer rock acts on the label.

However records of a 10" inch size weren't "Nu". In fact, most of the very first 33 1/3 LPs from 1948 to 1955 were 10" inches and that size was actually considered standard and many automatic record changers well into the 1970s had a 10" size selector. But the 12" LP began to overtake the 10" and with the exception of a few rare pressings, the 10" album size was largely retired until Nu-Disk.

Only a handful of titles were released in the Nu-Disk format before CBS retired the format in 1981 due to public indifference. All further EPs were 7" or 12".

 

 

Before They Were Stars: Laura Branigan

If there was one name that summed up Adult Contemporary music in the 1980s, it would be Laura Branigan. Her songs were staples on AC radio, guaranteed to pop up at any given time anywhere around the radio dial in those days.

If all you had was a radio for entertainment in your car or wherever, there was just simply no escape; You were going to hear at least a snippet of a Laura Branigan song somewhere at any time as you were tuning around the radio dial. That's how big of a radio-friendly pop star she was back then. 

From 1982 to 1985, she racked up several hit singles. In fact, many of her poppier songs, such as "Gloria" and "Self Control" were actually Americanized renditions of European pop hits with often completely rewritten English lyrics. ("Gloria" was originally recorded in 1979 by Umberto Tozzi and "Self Control" was originally recorded by Raf earlier in 1984.)

She even made a rendition of Falco's "Der Kommissar" (1982), called "Deep In The Dark" (1983). "Der Kommissar" was also most famously covered by the British act After The Fire (1983) and to a much lesser extent, Suzy Andrews (1982)

Laura Branigan's string of major hits dropped off after 1986, but she still remained active through the '90s, including occasional forays into acting until her untimely death in 2004. Those earlier hits of hers were still played on the radio ad nauseum for the rest of the 1980s and well into the '90s.

But long before this string of hits, Laura Branigan in the early '70s was an aspiring singer, still in her teens. And as an aspiring singer, you took whatever gig you could get. Especially if that gig also came with a recording contract with a fairly major label. As in the case of Meadow.

Meadow was a fairly unknown folk act in a sea of many such acts of that time who recorded a sort of religious psychedelic folk concept album called The Friend Ship.

The Friend Ship was released in 1973, as the spiritually based psychedelic rock concept album era was in full swing. Jesus Christ Superstar and Godspell were huge hits in the early 1970s. And oddly enough, even The Osmonds got into the act with their Mormon based 1973 offering The Plan.)  

The track listing on the back of the LP gave you a hint of that you were getting into.

A few singles were released, but The Friend Ship never got anywhere.

"Here I Am" Meadow

"See How They Run"

"The Lawless Lady"

"Sweet Life"

However this wouldn't be Paramount Records (which was eventually absorbed into MCA Records) only flirtation with a later mega-star act of the 1980s. They also released a 1972 album from another folk-pop act called Milkwood, which featured Ric Ocasek and Benjamin Orr of The Cars.

However unlike most early recordings of then unknown artists that are later re-released by record companies to capitalize on the artist's later success, Meadow's The Friend Ship never had a reissue and Branigan herself was known for being tight-lipped about the experience.


Probably for the better, as The Friend Ship's pseudo-religious psychedelic folk-pop was fairly dated by the time Branigan had established herself as a major pop star. It would have been extremely difficult for her fans and the general public to reconcile her then-current image with the one that was on The Friend Ship. Even though there were far worse beginnings for many major pop acts.

However in spite of the music, this LP (as Milkwood's) remains a prized collector's item for it's rarity alone.

"Down Under" Men At Work (Original Version, 1980)

This is the original independent Australian self-release of "Down Under" by Men At Work. It was the B-side to their first local single titled "Keypunch Operator", released before the band signed with CBS Records.

This version of "Down Under" sounds almost entirely different from the worldwide famous hit version, which is upbeat and poppy. This original version is much slower, almost reggae in tempo.

"Gloria" Umberto Tozzi (Original Version, 1979)

 

 ....and YOU thought it was a Laura Branigan ORIGINAL all this time, didn't you?....(Tsktsktsk! ;) ) Speaking of the late Laura Branigan, I have a forgotten Laura Branigan tune from the early 1970s coming next month.....

Before They Were Stars: Giorgio Moroder

When you think of Giorgio Moroder, you automatically think of kickass '70s and '80s electronic disco-synthpop. Most notably, his collaborations with Donna Summer.


Not '60s surf-bubblegum pop. But you gotta start somewhere and this 1969 single, "Looky Looky" was Giorgio Moroder's first big break in the music business (as "Georgio"). While largely ignored in America, the song went gold in Europe and Canada.

"Hello Kitty" Avril Lavigne (2014)

When I first heard this song, I knew it was going to happen. Like radioactive debris from Fukushima, J-Pop was going to wash up on our shores sooner or later. Or maybe it was an advertisement for Kawaii Crush that somehow escaped the security of the Saturday morning TV kids show block.

Then I found out who sang it.

And yes, her husband Chad Kroeger (a.k.a. that Nickelback guy) co-wrote and produced this. After talking with some Canadian friends, we mutually agreed Canada is on it's way to a diplomatic crisis if they don't get these two under control. 

Watching this video kinda almost makes you want to write an apropos answer song back to her. You know. Something that starts out with "Chill out, what you yellin' for/Lay back, it's all been done before...."

But a song like this begs to be parodied. Luckily, it has...

Easy Listening

Image: SeatacMedia

Today, we explore that strange Name That Tune genre of the instrumental cover of any given pop song originally called "Beautiful Music". "Muzak" Or "Easy Listening"

Or as most of us usually define it, "Elevator Music".

Today, the term "Easy Listening" gets tossed around carelessly to describe any non-descript Adult Contemporary vocal music. Michael Bolton, Lionel Richie, Celine Dion, Phil Collins and Natalie Cole, etc. get tagged as such. Or Smooth Jazz music like Lee Ritenour, Spyro Gyra, Kenny G. or Larry Carlton. While some Easy Listening radio stations play these acts, we're not talking about them.

We're talking about the real stuff.

Orchestras and instrumentalists with names like 101 Strings, Mantovani, Ray Conniff, The Hollyridge Strings, Henry Mancini, The Birchwood Pops Orchestra, Percy Faith and others.

Easy Listening is mostly defined as instrumental music. Vocals (if any) usually consisted of chorals and gender segregated by left/right stereo speaker channel (men on the left, women on the right. Or vice-versa.)

This may sound impossible, but at one time in the '70s and early '80s, it wasn't unusual to find at least two to as many as FIVE full power FM radio stations in some areas playing this very format. I am not making that up. Ask anyone over 40.

These radio stations were programmed for adults who couldn't tolerate the original versions of already schmaltzy pop hits. They wanted it with extra schmaltz.

There were even instrumental covers of instrumental hits.

"Music Box Dancer" Frank Mills (1978) was actually a Top 10 hit in the U.S. in 1979. But few easy listening radio stations played Frank Mills' original version, opting for any cover version from one of several piano players. When your schmaltz craving is this bad, you need to check yourself in for treatment....  

Back in the day in Seattle, we had KIXI, KEZX FM 99 (or as we called it in grade school, "K-Sleepy-X, FM Nighty-Nite"), "K-Bird FM 104" and the Queen Mother of all the Seattle elevator music stations, KSEA.


What kept America from a national emergency of mutually assured narcolepsy in the '70s and '80s was beyond me.

For the radio industry of the day, the choice was simple. First, it was the easiest radio format to automate.

Radio broadcasting industry trade advertisement for "The FM 100 Plan". One of several syndicators of the easy listening radio format. Photo: EasyListeningHQ.com

The FM 100 Plan also told you exactly HOW to program their format over the air on your station (Make. It. Real......Quiet.) And DON'T goof it up. They even sent reps around to the radio stations that carried the format to make sure they were conforming. Photo: EasyListeningHQ.com

Photo: EasyListeningHQ.com

Perhaps there was nothing worse for any young person in the '70s and '80s than having to go to the doctor's/dentist's office. Where these radio stations were the status quo soundtrack, wafting through the utilitarian waiting room furniture, abstract art on the walls, artificial potted palms, month old dog eared copies of Time, Highlights For Children and National Geographic on the tables and aquarium tanks with goldfish that never appeared to be moving.

How '70s/'80s kids felt with this music softly playing in the background in the waiting room at the doctor's or dentist's office....

 ....and here's what that sounded like:


It only added to the suffering of any kid already in pain who really wanted to hear some Kiss or Bay City Rollers. Or P-Funk. ANYTHING more rockin' than this dreck. We'd even put up with the country station.

But how did this supposedly non-intrusive audio wallpaper get so popular?

Well first, the genre came of age in the '50s. The Big Band sound was becoming passe and some of the famous 1940s Big Band stars (Benny Goodman, Harry James, Woody Herman, etc) had gravitated towards the be-bop sound of modern jazz. Early Easy Listening stars such as Ray Conniff and Henry Mancini got their starts in Big Band music.

It was also the pre-rock heyday of the pop crooner. Stars like Perry Como, Doris Day, Patti Page, Kay Starr and Eddie Fisher were ruling the pop charts.

But there were those (especially in the golden age of Hi-Fi) who yearned for instrumental pop music. Not the loud swinging brassy pop of the Big Bands, but something more genteel and mellow.

There were also G.I.'s returning from World War II from exotic places like Hawaii, The Philippines and the islands of French Polynesia and having been exposed to the rhythms and cultures from afar as well as worldy young bachelors with the latest stereo hi-fi equipment. Former Big Band leaders such as Martin Denny and Les Baxter noticed this and began the lounge music craze and exotically themed albums began popping up as fast as Tiki themed bars across America in the 1950s.


The craze for exotic instrumentals would continue well into the '60s with the Bossa Nova craze and the Latin Pop Jazz of Herb Alpert & The Tijuana Brass, which ruled the '60s easy listening sound.


Percy Faith was one of the first who took contemporary pop vocal music and made orchestrated instrumental covers of them    

       

"Thank you for waiting....Your patience is appreciated.....A customer service agent will be with you in 5 minutes......"

Jackie Gleason (yep, that Jackie Gleason), made a series of easy listening albums for Capitol Records from the 1950's to the '70s. He wrote and conducted his own arrangements.

In the 1980s however, the tide began to turn for Easy Listening. Stations began dropping the instrumental cover versions and playing straight ahead Lite Adult Contemporary vocal music or flipping to different formats.

In Seattle, KIXI flipped to Adult Contemporary in 1981 as "KIXI Light", followed shortly by KEZX.

KEZX however moved to a format that would later be described as AAA, or Adult Album Alternative and they were one of the pioneering stations in that format. KEZX played The Grateful Dead, Tracy Chapman, Matt Bianco, Roxy Music, Jackson Browne and Tom Waits as well as eclectic newer rock, among others and became a local phenomena. And somehow for eight years, they got away with it.

You see, KEZX's owner was an 85 year old man named Roy Park. Being elderly and frail, he did not travel much and pretty much took his station managers word for how his radio stations were doing and what they were playing and to Roy Park, KEZX was still playing Percy Faith and 101 Strings, not David Bowie and Bonnie Raitt.

And here's what happened. In September of 1990, Roy had gotten word KEZX wasn't playing the easy listening format he had intended for it. And so he made a surprise visit to the station and the minute he walked in, he heard the station's hallway air monitors playing the station's new imaging liner "98.9 KEZX, The Northwest Progressive" and segue into some uptempo song that wasn't anything close to what he was expecting and he hit the ceiling. And fired everyone. Two weeks later, the format abruptly changed back to Easy Listening in spite of some very vocal listener protests. KEZX later became a Smooth Jazz station called KWJZ and is a "Modern Adult Contemporary" today called "Click 98.9"

KSEA changed to Adult Contemporary in February 1989 and I remember watching hundreds of music reel tapes going into the dumpster (unfortunately, I couldn't rescue any. And they're extremely valuable to Easy Listening music collectors today because they contain music that was never released commercially and a single complete music reel today can fetch $500. But in 1989, they were garbage I guess.)

By 1990, Easy Listening radio stations were dropping like flies. Every day for a while, another station dropped the format for a younger leaning format. Easy Listening went from nearly 500 radio stations in 1980 to about 30 in 1995.

But easy listening still has die hard fans. And even younger generations are doing what my generation would never be caught dead doing - actually enjoying it. (And I still play Name That Tune with it.)

And there are a few radio stations still playing this music:

Terrestrial:

1340/107.3 KWXY Cathedral City, CA




90.9 WKTZ Jacksonville, FL  (Update: WKTZ is no longer broadcasting over it's terrestrial signal, which was sold to Jesuscaster chain K-Love. Jones College however still streams it's easy listening format via http://jcr.jones.edu/)


95.9 KMGR Delta, Utah 

97.5 KNXR Rochester, MN (No web link) (Update: Sold, changed formats)

101.1 WAVV Naples, FL (No Audio Stream)

102.1 KAHM Prescott, AZ

106.3 WGCY Gibson City, IL



Online:
WQEZ-DB (This is a tribute station to WQEZ Stereo 96 in Birmingham, AL by a devoted listener.)      
Airstream.fm  (Audio Stream Back up 12/25/15)
CrystalRadio.ca

Radio Programs:
The Tiki Cha-Cha Club
The Elevator Club
Koop Kooper's Cocktail Nation
The Spin-O-Rama Hour
Jet Set Planet

Cable/Dish:
Music Choice
DMX

XM/Sirus:
Escape

LGBT Radio Stations

Happy Pride Weekend!

Through most of the early 20th century, most LGBT media was in print. And very underground. But there were plenty of nudge-wink songs on recordings and in night clubs. In the 1920s and early 1930s, there was a musical trend called "The Pansy Craze", which featured cross-dressing performers that was very popular in large cities before the Great Depression began. But after, it was a different story.


The very first known attempt at creating LGBT oriented radio happened in 1933 when a musical revue called Boys Will Be Girls, starring female impersonator Rae Bourbon was broadcast live over San Fransisco radio station KFWI. But the program barely started when police raided the club (which was heard live over the air) and Bourbon was arrested.

While freedom of the press was one inconsistent thing for LGBT media, freedom of speech over the radio was another altogether during the early and mid 20th century. Anything even casually referring to homosexuality was forbidden over the airwaves.

But LGBT oriented radio has around longer than you might think. It's beginnings were on radical, anything-goes progressive community radio stations such as WBAI New York, KPFA Berkeley and KRAB Seattle. 

In 1962, WBAI-FM New York aired the very first known completed  LGBT-oriented radio program, a roundtable discussion called Live and Let Live which chronicled the lives of 8 area gay men. After the Stonewall Riots in 1969 and through the 1970s, LGBT radio programs began appearing on Pacifica and unaffiliated public radio stations. KRAB-FM Seattle broke new ground by featuring weekly LGBT programming such as The Women's Survival Kit, WE: Women Everywhere and Amazon Media. Even one with a very tongue in cheek title Make No Mistake About It, It's a Faggot and a Dyke.

From a 1975 KRAB Radio listening guide. Image: krab.fm

However, this upswing for LGBT radio in the 1970's was seriously cut short in the 1980s after a new wave of social conservatism swept across America during the Reagan era. Programs that once aired frank discussions on LGBT issues were forced to tone down. Even as AIDS was becoming epidemic. Many LGBT programs simply vanished.

The fear was brought home when a lesbian program host on KRAB was intimidated by the FBI.     

In 1998, an upstart radio network called The Triangle Radio Network was formed in Palm Springs, CA and was carried on two Seattle area radio stations.

 

The network initially consisted of two small AM radio stations in the Seattle area, KBRO 1490 AM and KNTB 1480 AM (licensed to Lakewood, WA, a suburb of Tacoma.) 

The network consisted mostly of daily personality talk programs with some music added (the selection was up to whoever was on the air. I've heard everything from thrash metal to country) and electronic music overnights. It didn't have any real consistency, like Proud FM. It also appeared to be skewed to an older audience and completely missed the younger demographic. Being on low-fi, staticky monaural AM radio didn't help. 

(KBRO sticker from 1984, during their run as a soft rock station. Image: Radio Sticker of The Day)   

And KBRO, with only 1,000 watts and a tower in it's city of license across Puget Sound in Bremerton however has the added curse of having only a noisy rimshot daytime signal inside Seattle on the graveyard channel of 1490 kHz, which severely hindered nighttime reception outside of Bremerton. 

And KNTB on 1480 was even worse, It had daytime signal problems in Tacoma and it had to drop nighttime power to 111 watts. 

And when you can't even be heard 7 miles from both your own respective transmitter sites at 2am (did I mention this was on AM radio?) Well, you've got signal problems.

The Triangle Radio Network was never able to attract a sustainable audience. They never appeared in the Seattle/Tacoma ratings and major advertisers then were reluctant to advertise on a upstart network with no ratings. Especially one that was so niche and potentially controversial in 1998 and they folded in 2001. KBRO and KNTB are now Spanish language affiliates of ESPN Deportes.

But there's a few terrestrial AM/FM radio stations today that are programmed for the LGBT community and there will be more to come. I once talked to a marketing consultant a few years ago. He told me about it and he explained why; They're influential on others, they set the trends in everything. Many are upscale. And they like to shop.  

He emphasized those last few words with all the delicious, hand rubbing zeal you'd expect from a go-getter money guy. 

"Excellent....."

One of the difficulties of programming a commercial LGBT oriented radio station is what would you play? You can't necessarily target an entire genre of music on someone's sexual orientation any more than you can target an entire genre on someone's gender. Everyone is different. 

While there are entire sub-genres of music made by gay and lesbian artists specifically for the LGBT community, these artists are mostly unknown independent acts. And none of it has had any commercial familiarity or popularity outside of a very niche audience - even within the LGBT community itself.

And talk for the LGBT community is very difficult because while the range of topics are infinite, some of them are still unmentionable on the air in some more socially conservative backwaters at the risk of starting license threatening and very expensive and epic legal problems with government broadcasting regulators (such as the FCC in the United States and the CRTC in Canada)
  

CIRR 103.9 FM, (103.9 Proud FM) out of Toronto, Ontario Canada is the only terrestrial commercial LGBT oriented station that seems to have risen above all that. At first listen, you'd have a hard time telling the difference between Proud FM can any other CHR/Top 40 station on the dial. It's musical format mostly skews in that direction, with some upbeat '70s/'80s/'90s pop hits thrown in. It's just a feel good wall of non-stop party music.

Weeknights feature the syndicated Perez Hilton radio show (segments are pre-recorded and done as "voice tracks", dropped in between songs and commercial sets, similar to how John Tesh's program and Delilah is done on Adult Contemporary radio stations.) Weekends feature electronic, house and dance music and specialty programming. 

If you came for any torchy Judy Garland ballads, Proud FM probably isn't for you. They even play a strange upbeat dance remix version of "Someone Like You" Adele - one of these versions, I'm not even going to try and find which particular one.

(And if you think that's weird. You. Ain't. Heard. NOTHING. Yet. Not sure if Proud FM plays this. But hearing that Adele remix threw my AADD off on yet another tangent and I just had to see how many other modern Adult Contemporary radio ballads got that treatment. - L.)  

It's decidedly upbeat for a reason. First, depression sucks. Second, feel-good party music is better for a commercial LGBT station because it crosses over across the demographic spectrum, attracting straight people as well.

     

(Playing Proud FM also works for those unpleasant scenarios when you are absolutely out of Thorozine.)

However, Proud FM is not the very first attempt at a 24/7 LGBT commerical radio station.

 

3JOY 94.9 FM (Joy 94.9) Melbourne, Australia is currently the longest running all-LGBT radio station in the world and has been broadcasting since 1993.

 

And as this was going to print, a new low power FM station is going on the air this summer in Portland, OR. KPQR-LP 99.1 FM (Wild Planet Radio) is currently streaming now and their format musically is very similar to Proud FM.

"'A' My Name Is Alice" Donny & Marie Osmond (1976)

Somewhere, deep down in the 9th circle of hell sits a jukebox.

It's seen better days.

On selection A-1 of this particular jukebox is this song.

You are hearby warned.

RIP Casey Kasem

From Kerri Kasem's Facebook page...

"Early this Father’s Day morning, our dad Casey Kasem passed away surrounded by family and friends. Even though we know he is in a better place and no longer suffering, we are heartbroken. Thank you for all your love, support and prayers. The world will miss Casey Kasem, an incredible talent and humanitarian; we will miss our Dad"

A part of my childhood died this morning too.

Rest well Casey. We will never forget you.

http://historysdumpster.blogspot.com/2013/02/casey-kasems-american-top-40.html

 

North Korean Pop Culture

Morning rush hour traffic snarls in downtown Pyongyang......

First, before I go into this, I need to say I'm not a sympathizer of the North Korean regime and I'm aware of the atrocities and miserable human rights record of it. It's no joke.

But the contradiction between the North Korean 'official' line of "Paradise On Earth" and reality are embarrassingly visual just by viewing and listening to North Korea's own media and raise far more uncomfortable questions than the regime can explain or live down. So you don't ask questions. Who asks questions in North Korea?
 
That said, what I'm showcasing here is the regime manufactured pop culture of this strange country. It's one that is strangely fascinating to me because it is so far off the grid from the rest of the world, it's one that needs an illustration. There is nothing anywhere else in the world like it. (Even Cuba has loopholes.)

In most ways, North Korea is The Land That Pop Culture Forgot. Because in North Korea, the regime dictates what you have for fun, recreation, music, food and style. It must conform to "revolutionary" principles (or at least not be a threat to them.)


That kinda stifles things a bit in the pop culture development department.

First, it's hard to get a real look inside the country. You can't just arrive, check into your hotel and freely stroll around Pyongyang, meeting and talking with people, taking pictures and visiting the locals without a minder (a government official designated to guide you around to specific places and people only) Tourists are forbidden to stray beyond their hotel without one.

This isn't London, Sydney or Tokyo.

Americans in particular are viewed with suspicion in North Korea. It's been that way since the 1950s when America backed South Korea in the Korean War. A war that never actually ended (a truce was signed but never a formal peace treaty.) But there are always skirmishes along the De-Militarized Zone - a funny name for one of the most heavily armed places on earth, with a million soldiers on either side, waiting for the other side to blink. (And as long as there is a DMZ, the war is still on.)

Americans still aid the South Koreans, but in nowhere near the numbers of the Korean War itself. And a few American soldiers even went turncoat and defected to North Korea.

The funny thing about James Dresnok is while he looks like he's got it made, he sure drinks a lot. Note also all the full unopened bottles on the table. Most of us would stick that in the fridge already....

And they still like taking American POWs (as Merrill Newman, Laura Ling, Kenneth Bae and Euna Lee can tell you.)

So that kinda wipes it off most people's travel plans.

The only factor it does have going for it is outside curiosity. Because many people want to peek over the bamboo curtain and see what it looks like. Not that there's much to see.

So let's look at what's there:

Music

There is no rock music in North Korea. Or ever has been. There's been buzzing talk all over the record collector forums of The Beatles having official North Korean albums. But that's just amateur vinyl collectors trying to psyche the novices with South Korean Beatles albums and there's no actual evidence of any official North Korean Beatles releases.

Nice try.

Or ANY Western pop music. Ever. No blues, country, jazz, punk, rap or thrash metal either. Not for North Koreans.

Even in the Kim family's better moods.

North Korean music is the only music in the world in North Korea. You do not get to play the music the Dear Leader does not approve. Any other music, especially from capitalist countries, is punishable by (assume the worst.)

The only pop music in North Korea is a hybrid electronic Easy Listening / Classical / Soft Adult Contemporary kind of propaganda delivered via acts such as The North Korean Army Band, The Moranbong Band, The Pyongyang Gold Stars and The Ponchonbo Electric Ensemble and simply everybody's favourite, Unknown.

These aren't exactly The Greatest Hits of All Time in the rest of the world.

(But that doesn't mean Western pop doesn't sneak in in some strange and subtle way. Take The Pyongyang Gold Stars accordion reworking of a-ha's 1980's classic "The Sun Always Shines On TV")


Going through the North Korean YouTube channels, here are the current hits. Not in any particular order. There are no pop charts in North Korea and only a more dedicated music eccentric than I outside of North Korea would know WHEN they were actually released to the public there. If ever. Or WHO they actually are.

It's been said members of the North Korean bands change line-ups worse than Styx, Kiss, Van Halen or even Jefferson Starship. And not exactly by petty egos, drug abuse, solo ambitions or infighting either....

So here's The Latest Hits in North Korea:

"The Leader's Bright Smile" The North Korean Army Band
"Socialism, We Love You" Unknown
"If Mother Party Wishes" The Moranbong Band
"We'll Become Regiment No. 7 of Today!" Unknown
"Let's Study!" The Moranbong Band

This isn't exactly Casey Kasem's Top 40.

Pyongyang 105.2 FM - This is the local FM radio station of Pyongyang. It broadcasts only in the evenings and plays a daily mix of anthems, arduous marches and easy listening pop. All of which praise the regime or are nationalistic in some way.


No "Hit or History" new song battles, no wacky morning zoos, no Top 40 countdowns, no love songs and dedications hours (unless they're for the Dear Leader. Your boyfriend can go boil an egg for all they care.)

Concerts: Did I mention there is no thrash metal in North Korea? Good. Your codpiece is invalid anyway in North Korea. No mosh pits, no festival seating, no Bic lighter waving power ballads, no shouts of "PLAY FREE BIRD!", no high decibel volume levels or risque stage antics. You can take your most conservative grandma to a North Korean concert with confidence.

Some people take a video cam to a concert, others take their hashpipes. Dear Leader takes his big oak office desk. When was the last concert you did that? Slayer?


The Moranbong Band (North Korea's answer to....I guess the closest thing this side of Pyongyang to these girls would be Celtic Woman) is currently the most popular band in North Korea. Because the Dear Leader says so.

Shopping

Shopping is a tricky subject in North Korea. Because there isn't any.

Actually, there is - in  Pyongyang. But what's there is mostly for display. There is always new construction going on in Pyongyang and what comes up are usually big gorgeous department stores with everything.

Except customers.


But this isn't the real North Korean shopping experience.

This is.

TV


First, there is only one TV channel in North Korea. And only in Pyongyang.

It broadcasts 6-8 hours a day. Usually in the evening hours There is no weekday television, filled with gossipy entertainment talk shows, soap operas, infomercials and trailer trash. People are either working or going to school.

The only other daytime broadcast option is a state controlled radio channel that wafts in through most Pyongyang apartment kitchens with programming mostly for housewives.

These radios are built-in and tuned to the main state radio channel. It is only capable of receiving that station. No others. In fact, there's a seal on the back that if broken could send you to the prison camps because it would indicate you were trying to listen to foreign broadcasts. And while you can turn down the volume, you can never turn them off. 

The TV broadcast day begins at around 4:30pm and features a test card with a soundtrack of instrumental easy listening music similar to the kind you hear on Pyongyang 105.2 FM.

The hottest prime time TV programs in North Korea stars the Dear Leader as he goes around inspecting all sorts of new construction, making comments and gestures as if to say "You know I hate that shade of blue, don't you?"

Often, he is flanked by several army members and an entourage that writes down his comments on little notepads.

 You can watch it live online here: http://112.170.78.145:50000/chosun. Note that program start times are very erratic. That's because there are no commercials on North Korean TV. The only break up between programs are the music videos (again, only of nationalist music. No titillating girls shaking their butts all over the hoods of sports cars.) 

Food

North Korea is one of those places that would even make a dedicated foodie like me nervous.

Purple beer?

But in a country that starves the majority of it's citizens (except for Dear Leader of course), they take what they can get.

Even the names of the factories that make North Korean food are gross...

It's "crabonated"!

But the first indicator you may have strayed too far (if you missed the Beijing airport, the Air Koryo terminal and the Ilyushin IL-62 you are boarding) are the infamous Air Koryo in-flight hamburgers. 

Computers & Internet

First, there's two platforms of internet access.


For you, the tourist with your tablets and smartphones, there's 3G mobile service thats limited to the special tourist hotel you'll be staying at (P.S. Watch what you tell your Facebook friends and Aunt Sadie in Peoria. It's monitored.) You have to have a special SIM card to call out or receive incoming calls/texts.

For you, the North Korean in Pyongyang, a special intranet that connects only to a government server with only regime approved (and created) sites. There is no home internet service (so much for "Paradise on Earth".) All access to this North Korean-only network is for university students and higher-ups and only at The Great Study Hall and certain universities. The two networks do not connect at all.

Newspapers will be alive and well in North Korea long after the civilized world has abandoned them.

The main computer operating system is North Korea's own Red Star OS. Which is based on Linux and functions similar to Windows XP. It is only in Korean and accesses the North Korean intranet only. There are download links to a pirated copy and if you dare with an old computer, you can install it. But you won't be able to access the North Korean intranet, as it is completely off the grid from the main internet.

These are screenshots from an older version. The newest version which came out earlier this year resembles Mac OS X.    

 

There is now a little tablet computer for North Koreans, based on Android called Samjiyon. It comes with a North Korean version of Angry Birds. It doesn't have any internet or even North Korean intranet access.

 

Style & Fashion

Note the pictures of Kim Il Sung and Kim Jong Il on the walls. They are mandatory in every apartment, every house, every building and every office and in every public room in North Korea and are to be treated with the same reverence a religious person would give their most cherished symbols. If not more so... 

You know those big books of modern hairstyles you see in most beauty salons? In North Korea, they have those too. Each one carefully selected by the regime (lest your hair become a subversive agent in itself.)

There's even a TV show in North Korea called (and I'm not making this up) Let's Trim Our Hair In Accordance With The Socialist Lifestyle

No slacker shags. No dreadlocks, no poofy curls, no punk mohawks. You can't dye your hair or go totally bald. Or deviate and create your own look in any way. What you see is what you get. 

But more recently, it's been said all male university students must now have the same Operation game haircut as the Dear Leader.

I must say that's not a look that works for every guy. Not even Dear Leader. But who's going to tell him "Dear Leader, your hair looks like a mustache glued to the top of an egg"? Who?

You can't get tattoos in North Korea. No string bikinis for the ladies. No badass leather jackets. No t-shirts, no jeans, no sneakers.

The military look seems all the rage. When a third of the population is conscripted to some military service, that's to be expected.

When all is said and done, you're probably thinking "These people will never change. They will live forever in this existential hellhole of make believe on one end and brutal repression, starvation and very bad taste on the other." 

That's not entirely true...

Outside pop culture is sneaking in (as it always does.) On black market thumb drives and DVDs filled with South Korean TV shows, movies and other material. However, DVDs are becoming a less favoured option and here is why. Electricity is scarce in North Korea and blackouts are frequent. But most especially, some of the blackouts are planned. So police can conduct door by door searches for any contraband and should you wind up with a naughty illegal DVD stuck in your DVD player because you can't open the thing (not an easy thing to do in the dark with cops banging at the door), you and your entire family are doomed. Thumb drives are easier to hide and most modern Chinese made DVD players have thumb drive players built in. Little wind-up shortwave radios are also coming in. 

You see, any totalitarian regime begins to collapse when it suppresses pop culture. It's simple human nature to have fun and colour in our lives. To not only see and dream about the outside world, but to travel beyond our own borders. Be they geographic or in our own minds

Rock 'n roll itself caused more rust to the Iron Curtain than any of Reagan's tough talk in the 1980s through smuggled records and tapes in the '60s and '70s.

A magazine ad from 1980.

By the 1980s, Gorbachev himself knew the totalitarianism of his predecessors was impossible to maintain. The people of the former Soviet Union were demanding change. He had no other choice but to begin glasnost (or "openness".) Which led to fall of the Eastern Bloc nations, the Berlin Wall to where we are today. China itself, once one of the most hardline of totalitarian states, now has freewheeling pop culture.

Will North Korea change?

It will. But not overnight. Change doesn't work that way. You just have to keep chipping away until the wall finally collapses.

But it will collapse. History doesn't lie.