Colonel Sanders' Tijuana Picnic

I didn't know where to categorize this. Under Food, Restaurants or Music. Well, it's a little of all of the above.

Could you think of two things that could be more further apart than Herb Alpert-like brass music and Kentucky Fried Chicken?

Before these unholy Taco Bell/KFC combo restaurants started popping up everywhere (do these corporations even know that when you're really in the mood for Original Recipe, the LAST thing you want to smell is greasy tacos and vice-versa?) and bizarre things like chipotle started showing up on KFC's menus, such a union meant automatic BANKRUPTCY to whoever was serving it. And rightly so. Leave the fried chicken and the faux Mexican food to the specialists. And keep them separate.

Of course some whiny corporate suck-up will say "But think about it; let's say mom and dad wanted KFC food and the kids wanted Taco Bell food. Wouldn't it be great if they could each have what they want under one roof?"

And then people wonder why kids are so spoiled today. Because when I was growing up, eating out was a TREAT. And a RARE treat at that. We NEVER argued or complained about where we were going to eat because ANYTHING was better than ANOTHER night of meatloaf.

I could sympathize with the Colonel when he said two years before his death in 1980 that he wished he never sold Kentucky Fried Chicken. I wish he hadn't either. You just don't know heartburn until you had just eaten strips of Extra Crispy and chipotle sauce in a gummy tortilla, no matter how much lettuce and cheddar cheese shreds they put in it.

But let's go back to the late '60s and this vinyl gem. I don't know how exactly it was distributed, but seeing as it was on Mark 56 Records (a company that specialized in producing custom albums for businesses to be sold cheaply or just given away as a loss leader for another product) it was probably given away with a bucket of chicken or sold for 98¢.

It's a generic album of trendy Tijuana Brass knockoffs (that sound was HUGE in the '60s) that corporate America was pushing on every supermarket sound system and FM radio station they could for middle class suburban moms of the late '60s who wanted to be hip, but didn't want anything to do with pot (and ended up alcoholic instead.)

I especially love the liner notes the Good Colonel wrote on the back of this album. Who would've known he was as much an expert on Latin-tinged pop jazz as he was pressure cooking chicken?

Actually, he wasn't. They were ghost-written. But he sure knew how to sell Kentucky Fried Chicken.....

Here's a sample:

"Won't Get Fooled Again" Labelle (1972)

Patti Labelle and company take on The Who's classic.......

Moisturizing Jeans

http://www.vogue.co.uk/news/2013/01/16/wrangler-launches-moisturising-jeans-modelled-by-lizzie-jagger

They're jeans that moisturize your legs. Wouldn't they feel....I don't know, wet, clammy, weird?........

Forgotten Cigarette Brands

(Update 2/18/14: See also my post on electronic cigarettes.)

(Update 3/30/15: See also Forgotten Cigarette Brands Part II)

Cigarettes today are not what they used to be.

Well, let me rephrase that. Cigarettes have always been gross and deadly. But these days, a cigarette smoker is pretty much considered as low as a crackhead in some circles. Though it's nice the smoking awareness campaigns have brought the graphic evils of tobacco to dinner hour TV screens, I have to admit, they're as pointless as the anti-marijuana PSAs of the '60s to the '90s.

Besides, NOTHING can convince an innocent kid not to take up smoking more effectively than a kiss from a chain smoking aunt.

In the old days, you used to have a dizzying variety of cigarette choices available at your local grocery/convenience store (more than 50!). Today, there's about 10 or even fewer brands in most places. Today, most brands are available exclusively over the internet. Retail stores get their stock from a state regulated middleman. Which is why in many states (namely Washington State), there is so little variety.

But for remaining smokers, fire up a menthol and enjoy this stroll down the tobacco aisle of yesteryear....

Tareyton - My dad used to smoke these. No longer available in many areas, but they are available on the internet through RJ Reynolds.

 Kent - My mom used to smoke these.

Virginia Slims - Another disappearing brand of women's cigarette.

More - An icky tasting super long and thin "120" cigarette. I snagged a pack of these from the rack at Fred Meyer when I was a kid. They looked weird, so I though they'd taste cool (with that funky brown paper.) They were flat out GROSS.

Satin - "With a LUXURIOUS satin tip", never mind the tobacco inside was garbage. Satin was an '80s upstart brand. I knew of these by the free pack coupons they used to stuff in every Sunday newspaper.

Yves St. Laurant - A fashion designer's death by design. Another '80s brand.

Merit - Another former brand of choice. Of all the low-tars, I actually LIKED Merits. They were tolerable. But Merit was one of those "old peoples" brands that seemed to disappear rapidly.

Doral - A '70s brand.

Multifilter - Known for having two different filters, but the same result.

Vantage - A filter cigarette with a giant hole in the middle of the filter.

Sterling - An 80's brand

Benson & Hedges - Another disappearing brand and the first marketed for the "upscale" crowd.

Eve - A long thin women's cigarette

Viceroy - Never smoked this brand, but it was big in the '60s.

Lucky Strike - Motto "It's toasted" Just like your lungs after smoking a pack.

Chesterfield - A non-filtered smoke, popular from the '20s - the '60s when even by then, it was an "old people's cigarette" Before Kool and their jazz festivals in the '70s and '80s, it was popular with radio DJs (and immortalized as such in Donald Fagan's song "The Nightfly".) I never thought they were that spectacular

Raleigh - This was the brand your old neighbour probably smoked.

Dave's - A '90s brand still being made, Known for it's folksy magazine ads that made you think it was made by some average person, just like you, who wanted a better smoke than what those big corporations offered. Fact: It was made by Phillip-Morris the whole time.

Scotch Buy - Now here was an unusual brand made by RJ Reynolds for a corporate supermarket chain (Safeway and subsidiaries.) Safeway discontinued Scotch Buy and distanced itself as far as possible from the brand in the '90s when cigarette manufacturers were being sued. Smart move. They tasted like crap anyway.

 Bel/Air - One of the better menthols. Now vanished.

Carlton - The lowest tar and nicotine of any cigarette (without the nicotine, there's no point in smoking cigarettes.) Memorable for it's plain magazine ads that read. "If you smoke, please try Carlton" The gist was that it was a "safer" cigarette. But they tasted HORRIBLE and the filters were so tight, you can barely draw off of one.

True - Another weird filtered low-tar cigarette.

Misty - Another '80s women's cigarette. Still being made, but instead of women, it's gay men that buy them now.

Lark - I remembered seeing these on the shelves, but I can't remember anyone who ever smoked this brand.

Cheers! (Cough!...hack!...wheeze!)

(Thanks to Cigarettespedia.com for some of the images here....)

Yes! We Have A Cure For That!: Drug Advertisements You'll NEVER See Today.....